Arguably the biggest claim to fame when it comes to Artemis Fowl is its placement on Disney+. As COVID-19 rages on, with the balance of the theatrical experience at stake, Disney needed to improvise. And so, Artemis Fowl, along with Hamilton and The One and Only Ivan, are several instances of theatrical movies heading exclusively to Disney+.

At the very least, the next few Disney+ original movies have nowhere to go but up. This is because Artemis Fowl is bad. Really bad. Largely incoherent and frustratingly limited in its potential, the inevitable behind-the-scenes story will be far more entertaining than this Branagh family film.

The Worldbuilding, or lack thereof.

One of the most exciting aspects of fantasy is the world the artist imagines. There’s an opportunity to create visually and thematically exciting material into a unique, mythical package that can be fun and imaginative. Yet for whatever reason, Branagh’s film ignores it. There’s a glimmer of that in the underground Haven City, and there’s an occasional fun character design. However, there’s nothing to make people seem invested in the world or want to know more.

Because of this, the story fails to be interesting. Artemis Fowl’s father is kidnapped by a hooded figure. We barely get to know the hooded figure, so we don’t care what happens. The film also has the odd idea of having almost all the action take place in one location, the Fowl mansion. What point is there in having a unique fantasy world when we barely get to explore it?

This is made even worse by the script’s countless exposition. It feels like every five minutes characters drone on about their backstory or explain what’s going on. It gets to be insufferable and hard to follow, as you’re trying to figure out what’s going on and what everyone’s motivation is. The worst of it comes from Josh Gad, whose narration overtakes the movie.

Film is a visual medium. Why force us with dialogue that leads to nothing valuable, when you can give us something nice and fun to look at?

An Embarrassed Cast

Probably the saddest element of the film is its cast. There’s talent here, but none of them feel as if they want to be here. Ferdia Shaw’s Artemis Fowl is supposed to be a criminal mastermind, but the writers scrapped all of his edge and made him a bland kid. Holly, played by Lara McDonnell, does have a bit more of a personality, but fails to really engage. The adult supporting cast all feel tired and uninterested throughout. Judi Dench in particular looked embarrassed to be on set.

However, there is one actor who was trying. And he would end up being the worst part of the whole package. Josh Gad as Mulch Diggums plays it up as a kook throughout the film. And yet there’s nothing charming or endearing about Gad in the role. His mannerisms become insufferable to watch, and his gravelly voice doesn’t make things better. There’s also one image of Gad eating dirt that is so terrifying it’s bound to give kids nightmares.

To Sum Up…

Probably the biggest problem of Artemis Fowl is that there’s no appeal to any audience. For kids, the fun fantasy elements are in the background, and the constant talking and narration makes things hard to follow. For adults, it’s too silly to enjoy, with no charm or imagination to back it up.

The constant delays and several shots not even in the trailer (Hong Chau’s face is never onscreen, despite being in the big money shot of the teaser) make be believe there were issues behind the scenes. A lot of edits and Branagh sadly losing control on the project he made. And that’s a shame, because the potential was there.

Regardless, let’s just hope the next Disney+ castaways fare better.

Read some of my reviews for other Disney productions here